Rejection is not so bad. I was waiting for it. I told him my feelings because I needed to have an answer in order to move on. Saying things like “I like you” can be incredibly hard, but I think that it’s even harder to sit by and let those feelings of fear and uncertainty eat you up. It doesn’t make you any safer than when they say “sorry I don’t feel the same.”
If you let your fear determine how you live your life then… are you really living at all?
I am a
bird
that came to
life.
The most beautiful adventures
we seek
begin upon
sunrise.
-Tyler Knott Gregson-
There is so much that I want to do - so much that I want to give. I want more than anything to feel like I’m flying. I want something to leave me breathless and in awe. There is just so much that I want but everywhere I look I see things as semi-monochromatic or just dull. It’s like the world is not enough. Where is the life?
I don’t know why I remember the Lava game. In our younger days, the tiles in the garage of my house were a muted fiery red; my brother and I would leap from old desks to the faded blue couch and dusty storage boxes on our adventures, careful to avoid the spits of flame from a sea of lava below.
On some days we were on a quest to save a kidnapped princess; other days we were Indiana Jones on the hunt for lost treasure. We battled robots and zombies, mummies, thieves and evil kings, but always we encountered the fierce alligators lurking beneath the boiling magma. They would burst out unexpectedly, snapping in a mad attempt to crush our legs and drag us into their molten lair. Their scaly hides were bloody red, camouflaging them beneath their element such that as they burst out from their domain, the deadly beasts always caught us off guard. Smoke would unfurl from their nostrils and jaws and they viciously gave chase but Alvin and I always managed to fend off our pursuers with laser guns, maces, and swords. If one of us died we’d save each other with a healing potion, then jump back into our battles with more enthusiasm. And at the end of our quests we always prevailed as the heroes of justice.
This was our game for a few years until one day when some contractors tore out the red tiles, hammering them into dirty jagged pieces and shoving them into glossy black garbage bags. In a few months time our crimson battlefield was transformed into a cool white ceramic garage where our adventures ended.
Penned: 11.04.10
Everything I’ve wanted or wanted to know
Doesn’t matter.
At least, they can’t matter
If I want to move on.
‘Forgive and forget; just let go,’ they say.
Let go of everything you know you deserve.
I just want to be loved.
Doesn’t that mean something?
But I can’t fight the people I love
And so it doesn’t matter.
In TV, in movies, and dramas, people always have this confrontation or they pour their hearts out to each other. I don’t know anyone brave enough to be honest in such a way. Instead we all just gossip amongst each other and think we know what the other person’s thinking or why they’re hurting when the truth is that we don’t. I keep waiting on people to prove me wrong - that they are different, that they can rise to the occasion: make things right when something’s wrong, or set aside fears for someone who’s worth getting hurt for. Except they don’t. And all that’s left are the ashes from the threads that once tied us together - threads that have been left to burn.
Even now the face in the mirror had become a stranger. One who can laugh and is present and yet still unreachable. The glass is cool to the touch.
Gently she drifts off, far far away.
No words may ever come
To sooth that aching sorrow
But you will be on my mind,
Your friendship in my heart
To you, life gives no happiness
For you, meaning has been lost
But I will stand here undeterred
For you, I’ll dream up the impossible
For you, I will believe.
I can’t stop seeing you.
You’re there wherever I go.
You’re there with me in my dreams.
You’re right here in my heart.
You’re like hot tea for cold weather,
Like the worn pages of the books I haven’t completed.
You make me smile by just being you.
The air thickened around the two friends, in all the struggles that had been silenced and left unsaid. In the crowd of her fellow peers Sophie was miles and miles away. One voice brought her crashing back into the moment.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been a good friend…”
Sophie chocked back a cry as the dam of anguish within cracked. She squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head furiously to keep her tears at bay but was helpless against the sorrow that was swallowing her inside out. Because her friend’s admission was more truthful than she could ever cruelly admit. Because in all the time that had passed between them Sophie had felt alone and insignificant. Forgotten. Abandoned.
In the time that you all have been gone I’ve been trying to find my way, but I was so lost and so broken. I didn’t know what I was worth because you had mattered so much to me and yet I was worth nothing to you. I was thrown away… I waited yet no one came looking for me. And even after apologizing, nothing has changed. Empty words.
Stubborn tears escaped from her eyelids.
You’re not sorry… and I won’t be the one to come anymore.
Sophie’s throat closed in on her. Nothing hurt more than the truth.
— Wish-chan
